My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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