i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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