i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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