I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
