At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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