Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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