I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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