I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
