thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize