I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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