Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
