oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
