How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
