She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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