when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
