there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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