remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
