I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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