my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize