I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
