I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
