My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
