alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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