I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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