the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
