I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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