so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
