I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize