Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
