I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
