Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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