I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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