My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
