mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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