My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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