Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize