I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
