At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My ATM looks so different sober.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
