I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
