Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
