I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
