I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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