I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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