i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
