What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
