I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
