he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
