I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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