our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So much Jack, so little girl.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
