Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You ever have a fart follow you around?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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