You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
