well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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