You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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