she woke up with a sticky ear
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
