I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
there is puke in my bra ... again
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
