Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
