he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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