I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
