i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
