I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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