Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
