Your mouth is God's brothel.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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