Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
