just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We have started to decorate penises.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
